workingmom
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Posts: 1089
Loc: Allen, TX
Reg: 06-03-04
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11-19-08 03:29 PM - Post#70932
My oldest son was always fairly responsible with his money when he lived at home. He spent way more on frivolous stuff than I would have liked and he always saved the minimum amount required by parents but he never spent more than he had and never incurred any fees. His bank account was linked to ours so I was vigilant (and he was too) that he never overdraw (since overdraw charges and fees would come out of our account since he was linked to us). However, he's now on his own and his account is no longer linked to ours. But he uses our mailing address as his permanent address so we get his mail, including overdraft notices from his bank. In the last 6 days he's overdrawn 3 times and incurred $105 in fees. And the overdraw amounts were stupid - $8 purchase last Thursday made him overdraw and cost $35. He got paid Friday. Blew through earnings over the weekend and overdrew for $9 and $21 this week, incurring 2 more $35 charges. How do we get through to him? In addition to being concerned about his credit and feeling sick at the wasted money due to fees, we're also worried that he refuses to save anything now that we don't "make" him. He's almost 20. Do we let it go at this point and hope all the lessons/lectures eventually sink in? Let it go and hope he grows up a bit and finally learns how to discipline himself when it comes to money? I welcome any and all advice from those who have been through this.
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yelloow7k
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Loc: Fountain Gate
Reg: 06-04-07
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11-19-08 04:17 PM - Post#70941
In response to workingmom
My first gut reaction is...he's 20 years old...gotta let him learn with some hard knocks (bank penalties).
I have two a little older than your son and when they 'grew up' it was so very hard to watch, as a parent. Right or wrong, I made myself listen to their troubles, but distanced myself from intervening. It didn't take long for them to come back to what they had learned while at home.
Good luck.
 Allen resident since 1991!  |
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workingmom
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Posts: 1089
Loc: Allen, TX
Reg: 06-03-04
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11-19-08 04:48 PM - Post#70945
In response to yelloow7k
Thanks - good advice. I'll just have to continually remind myself that it's no longer my place to intervene. =) You're absolutely right in that sometimes children (and even us parents) have to learn the hard way!
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texmomma
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Posts: 534
Reg: 10-02-06
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11-19-08 04:58 PM - Post#70946
In response to workingmom
Does he keep track of his money in a transaction register or something? I know I often cut it close when I was a college student as well. One time I had an error in my register (I inadvertantly entered a deposit twice) and I thought I had more money than I did. By the time the overdraft notices started hitting I had written several bad checks. It was an expensive lesson. Just a thought.
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workingmom
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Posts: 1089
Loc: Allen, TX
Reg: 06-03-04
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11-19-08 05:07 PM - Post#70948
In response to texmomma
We've taught him to keep a ledger and he does have his own version of a "monthly budget" that he updates each month. I don't think he is always careful with keeping his ledger. I finally decided to text him to let him know he was overdrawn. I was afraid if I didn't he wouldn't know and would keep spending and incurring more charges - wish those debit cards didn't work if you don't have funds!. He texted me back saying THANKS - I didn't know I was overdrawn. I'm thinking he forgot to deduct the first $35 charge and was spending based on having $35 more dollars in his account (which would have covered his 2 "overdrawn" charges). Trying not to make a big deal about it or overreact or lecture him - which doesn't work now because he's at the age where he KNOWS everything. We'll still probably try to work it into the conversation somehow when he's home for Thanksgiving next week. =) He's scheduled to deploy early next year for 12-14 months and I'll probably serve (at his request) as his financial "overseer" and "bill payer" while he's gone.
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V-Girl
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Posts: 2888
Loc: Allen, TX, US
Reg: 07-12-01
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11-19-08 08:35 PM - Post#70983
In response to workingmom
Wish I had advice, but he may have to learn the hard way. I remember trying to impress my mom by paying my own car payment while in college. Came home and the CC bills came in. She figured out how I was paying a $250 car payment when I barely made $300 a month (had to have money for food and gas too). Oops! Lesson learned.
Crazy doesn't even begin to cover it. 
Will work for shoes!  |
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lcr2004
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Posts: 2387
Reg: 03-10-05
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11-20-08 03:24 PM - Post#71075
In response to workingmom
Tell him to stop using debit cards - if you can't keep track of your account either with a register or online in a responsible manner, you shouldn't be using him.
As crazy as it sounds, he's probably better off using cash for things - once he realizes how much he is really spending it might snap him into shape so that he learns to watch his habits better with the cards. Going to get money orders for his payments is probably a large enough pain in the butt that it will wake him up.
And it may not be your "place" to invervene, but you should probably make it clear to him that if he won't listen to you or follow your recommendations about budgeting, then you won't be there to help him out if he overdraws or whatever either. Sink or swim is sometimes the only option, and something (relatively) harmless like that is a good learning tool.
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jogo
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Posts: 1475
Reg: 08-31-05
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11-20-08 03:33 PM - Post#71076
In response to workingmom
If he's a 20 year old "adult" (which as the mom of an 18 year old I know that adult thing is just a legal definition) and it's his own money (not money you're giving him for college or other support), I don't think there's much you can do except let him learn his lesson the hard way. I know how hard that is do to though! If you're giving him any money, I'd put a stop on that until he proves he's matured in his spending habits.
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workingmom
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Posts: 1089
Loc: Allen, TX
Reg: 06-03-04
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11-20-08 04:25 PM - Post#71083
In response to jogo
Thanks everyone for your comments and advice!
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monita
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Posts: 443
Reg: 06-05-08
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11-20-08 10:35 PM - Post#71126
In response to workingmom
Good luck!!!!!
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csquare
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Posts: 627
Loc: Allen
Reg: 01-16-08
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11-20-08 11:45 PM - Post#71133
In response to workingmom
Several have written to say that he must learn from his own mistakes, but the coolest thing about human beings is that they DON'T have to learn from their own mistakes. It is very possible to learn from the mistakes of others, instead. When you finally have a talk with him, you might point out that exercising that wonderfully human ability is far less painful than making every new mistake---and suffering its consequences--all on your own.
You should probably point out that potential employers WILL be checking everything they are allowed by law to check, to see if the potential employee is a responsible person or not. I'm not positive they could find out about overdrawn checks, but if it is on his credit report,they could, and if it happens more than once, it sure wouldn't look good. If I were doing the hiring, I would consider that a big red flag.
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r75002
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Posts: 486
Reg: 06-03-06
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11-21-08 06:58 PM - Post#71270
In response to workingmom
I told myself that as someone who doesn't have kids, I need to stay out of this thread, but I can't stand not asking this question any longer.
Why are you opening his mail?
I tend to agree with yelloow7k.
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workingmom
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Posts: 1089
Loc: Allen, TX
Reg: 06-03-04
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11-22-08 01:15 PM - Post#71319
In response to r75002
We open his mail because he's stationed at Ft. Bliss and has it come here. We open it and let him know what he needs to take care of...for example he was recently called for Jury duty and his father had to go through the process of getting him waived from service since he's already serving our country. He's getting ready to deploy and didn't want to change and then change back his permanent address since he won't be at Bliss very long. We will be helping him manage his finances/bills/etc. until he gets back in April/May of 2010.
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r75002
enthusiast
Posts: 486
Reg: 06-03-06
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11-23-08 02:56 AM - Post#71352
In response to workingmom
I should have listened to myself.
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